For many of us the first week of this new year will be a week none of us will forget, and if this is a taste of things to come, we have to prepare ourselves.
It started on Thursday morning 3rd January by this article in the guardian written by Jon Henley and was further commented on by Damian Thompson from the telegraph the title of which ‘ Paedophiles are ‘ordinary members of society’ who need moral support did something to me, which I find very difficult to put into words, I can only say it acted as a trigger, one I have not felt in a very long time, the urge to harm myself!!
(Many people who self-harm (and those that don’t!) find it incredibly difficult to ascertain exactly why they self-harm. Many have no idea why they are doing it – just that it is something that they feel compelled to do. Obviously, carrying out such behaviour without understanding why, can be very confusing and can leave us feeling like we are “crazy” or out of control this often results in feelings of guilt. These self-deprecating thoughts can result in the need to further self-harm, and hence we get locked into a cycle that is very difficult to break out of.)
As a result of what I had read I lost control for the first time in almost 15 years, first I tried to phone some friends, who were not at home, making me feel more along and enraged, so I started picking open a wound in my leg which was caused by a lumpectomy nearly a month previously! The pain was excruciating, but I carried on until slowly the mental pain began to subside, as the physical pain took over.
(Control is important to most survivors. We experience fear when we feel we have no control. With self-harm, you can often have some limited control over the type of pain you experience and when you experience it. It is important to survivors that they have control over their body and their emotions, and self-injury helps to prove that we still have some control because “Self-injury is a pain I can control”)
The following day I had to go to the hospital and have the wound in my leg re-stitched, but first of all I had to explain what had happened, and why I had done what I had done!
I cant tell you the shame that I felt, that this stranger Jon Henley could have such an effect over me! and even more so when I realise his piece was based on information given by a known Paedophile Tom O’Caroll
Will my mental wounds ever heal, will I one day become free of my abuser who took my innocence when I was just 6 years old? to these questions I have no answer, but I can tell you that as long as I live, I for one will never accept that sexual abuse of children can have a positive effect on their lives. Thank you for taking the time to read and understand me xxx