So ashamed of myself

Published January 6, 2013 by misty534

For many of us the first week of this new year will be a week none of us will forget, and if this is a taste of things to come, we have to prepare ourselves.

It started on Thursday morning 3rd January by this article in the  guardian written by Jon Henley and was further commented on by Damian Thompson from the telegraph the title of which ‘ Paedophiles are ‘ordinary members of society’ who need moral support did something to me, which I find very difficult to put into words, I can only say it acted as a trigger, one I have not felt in a very long time, the urge to harm myself!!

(Many people who self-harm (and those that don’t!) find it incredibly difficult to ascertain exactly why they self-harm. Many have no idea why they are doing it – just that it is something that they feel compelled to do. Obviously, carrying out such behaviour without understanding why, can be very confusing and can leave us feeling like we are “crazy” or out of control this often results in feelings of guilt. These self-deprecating thoughts can result in the need to further self-harm, and hence we get locked into a cycle that is very difficult to break out of.)

As a result of what I had read I lost control for the first time in almost 15 years,  first I tried to phone some friends, who were not at home, making me feel more along and enraged, so I started picking open a wound in my leg which was caused by a lumpectomy nearly a month previously!  The pain was excruciating, but I carried on until slowly the mental pain began to subside, as the physical pain took over.

(Control is important to most survivors. We experience fear when we feel we have no control. With self-harm, you can often have some limited control over the type of pain you experience and when you experience it. It is important to survivors that they have control over their body and their emotions, and self-injury helps to prove that we still have some control because “Self-injury is a pain I can control”)

The following day I had to go to the hospital and have the wound in my leg re-stitched, but first of all I had to explain what had happened, and why I had done what I had done!

I cant tell you the shame that I felt, that this stranger Jon Henley could have such an effect over me! and even more so when I realise  his piece was based on information given by a known Paedophile Tom O’Caroll

Will my mental wounds ever heal, will I one day become free of my abuser who took my innocence when I was just 6 years old?  to these questions I have no answer, but I can tell you that as long as I live,  I for one will never accept that sexual abuse of children can have a positive effect on their lives.   Thank you for taking the time to read and understand me xxx

0 comments on “So ashamed of myself

  • It gets worse, Janette.

    The January issue of ‘Writers Forum’ – widely distributed in supermarkets, and which describes itself as giving out ‘UK’s Biggest Monthly Fiction Prizes’ – has awarded its monthly short story first prize of £300 to a story of which the protagonist is a sex offender who has been assaulted by other prisoners in the prison to which he has been allocated.

    The sex offender is made to appear quite a decent sort of person who has only slightly violated society’s norms and clearly believes that he has been unjustly treated. His self-justification, combined with rancid self-pity, is given pride of place.

    Meanwhile, a prison warder, with whom he is at first apparently discussing the subject, is portrayed as a sort of Neanderthal lout, with unpleasant body functions and no redeeming characteristics. His arguments are those that might be expected from an unintelligent antagonist – a combination of ‘Daily Mail’ and ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.’ The writer clearly has considerable empathy for the sex offender and none for the prison warder.

    A doctor, introduced late to the story, is there to advise us, the readers, that the sex offender has a subdural haemotoma, with swelling of the brain and no sign of brain activity. Everything that the sex offender has apparently ‘said’ is only real in the writer’s imagination. There has been no real debate, no attempt to portray counter-arguments against paedophilia – a role which might, with profit, have been allocated to the doctor.

    The justification for giving this story pride of place is that the writer has made ‘a brave choice of subject.’ Her story has ‘made me reflect on entrenched beliefs and revisit my reasons for holding them … a great route to reader satisfaction.’

    I found myself unable to sleep last night. Any satisfaction that I have experienced has been as the result of writing this comment to you. I am going to ‘copy’ much of this as a letter to the magazine – I wonder whether they will have sufficient humility to print it.

    Where has it all gone wrong, Janette? Why are the evil-doers always given, not just the benefit of the doubt, but the victory in being allowed to present their version as the only truth?


    • I truly believe that this is all part of a bigger plan, there are obviously people in very high places who want paedophilia to be seen in a more positive light! It will start with the lowering of the consent age to 13, their argument being that many are having sex at this age! this is probably true, but I can assure you they are not having sex with grown men! but maybe with other teenagers! we are being led to believe that it is normal for adults to have a preference of sex with young adolescents (virgin sex) as it is known in wider circles. People are being manipulated everyday by MSM, the television being the most powerful of all! Can we turn this around? only if people wake up and stand up for what we all should believe in! otherwise Im afraid we are all doomed!


  • Dear Janette,
    Thank you for your very brave piece. I am thinking about you and I understand what you’ve done completely. The shame is not yours, it belongs with Jon Henly, the Guardian editor and the other pedophile cheerleaders.

    I’ve harmed myself a few times too, I used to literally bang my head against the brick wall, until I gave myself a serious concussion. I still suffer the effects of that, even though it was 4 years ago. I felt shame and embarrassment too for what I’d done, and I lied to the doctor about how I’d done it. We should show ourselves some kindness, understanding and compassion rather than shame, that’s what we need to do!

    Henley’s article did something to me too. I haven’t been able to sleep in 48 hours, I’m like a complete zombie. I’ve got very drunk twice since the article came out, and I’ve cried a lot. I’m completely incapable of doing normal things, interacting with people in real life, my family are suffering. It’s impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t been abused how much this article hurts. I was lying in the bath this morning, and thinking about what a relief it would be to feel physical rather than mental pain, and thinking about a friend (also CSA survivor) who used to cut herself, and I had to stop myself thinking about it. I haven’t done that yet, and I don’t want to start now.

    I really want to write a response to this article, but even engaging with these people feels like abuse. I feel tainted by the idea that Henley, or other pedophile cheerleaders or pedophiles will read it, and rub their hands in glee because of the pain they’ve caused me. On the other hand, I feel furious at the certainty that he won’t bother to read it, and that he’s blocked me on Twitter so that I can’t argue with him.

    It’s nice to come to the “friendly space” here on your blog to talk about it anyway. It might be all that I’m capable of at the moment. I know I should try to do something nice, go for a walk, watch a funny film, but I feel like I don’t deserve it (you probably know how it works…)

    Please don’t feel ashamed (easier said than done, I know). You have every reason to feel proud that you’re still here, that you’re fighting, that you’re helping others. You should be proud that you had the courage to write what you’ve just written. Lots of love and support coming your way from me (I’m not that far away from you actually. Brussels :))

    I wish all of us survivors the best day that we can have.


    • My heart goes out to you my friend, for you its only 4 years ago, you are so brave to be able to converse with other victims/survivors as we all know how much courage that takes, when we cant bring ourselves to talk to our own families and friends, but yet we find solace in talking to others who have been through the same. I can promise you, this will become a coping mechanism for you and others, because sharing something that has impacted you whole life, brings a sort of calm with it xxx As for Henley and the other paedocrates who run our country, we have to stand above them, otherwise we give them more power than they deserve, as they in fact become our new abusers! xxx Im here for you my friend, if you want me to phone you, DM me on twitter with your telephone number and I will call you, as I do with others, together we will survive what THEY have done to us xx God Bless you xxx


      • yes I read your letter and tweeted it. Yes he blocked me because I told him he should have interviewed victims/survivors of childhood abuse, not just me, but anyone who approached him about his piece. I also wrote to the editor but have had no response. I posted on Tom Watsons response and he is now following me on twitter, which I find a complement, as he has many followers that may be able to help us fight this battle. I still haven’t been able to find just One victim/survivor of childhood sexual abuse, whose lives weren’t impacted by the abuse. I don’t believe they exist!


  • Hi Janette, so sorry that you got triggered, and in a bad way. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. You hit the nail on the head when you talk about the need to be in control. I tend to withdraw from everything and everyone when I get stressed. This happened the other week with Richard Dawkins and his ‘mild touching’ rubbish.

    I think you do a fantastic job with your blog – why should we, as a society, think that it’s inevitable that a certain number of children get abused every week? It’s not. And bless you for having the mental strength to hammer that fact home. I have to admit, I can’t read some of the posts – it brings me down too much. But of those, I read the headlines and first paragraph. I hope you have the strength to carry on, because you are raising awareness and making networks which help survivors.



  • Hi Janette,
    Sorry, I was a bit unclear. It was 4 years ago that I last harmed myself. I’m in my forties now, and the abuse I suffered in my childhood, from six years old to 12, similar to you. Abused by my father. I “disclosed” when I was about 25, police told me during a phone call it was too late to prosecute, they didn’t even bother to interview me. Like you, I live with the effects every day.

    It’s so true, Henley and his cheerleader crowd are abusive. To “strongly suggest” there are “no ill effects” when we suffer so much, is abuse. Why is it not illegal to deny the damage caused by CSA?

    There is an EU law against : “Publicly condoning, denying or grossly trivialising
    – crimes of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes as defined in the Statute of the International Criminal Court (Articles 6, 7 and 8) directed against a group of persons or a member of such a group defined by reference to race, colour, religion, descent or national or ethnic origin”. The maximum prison sentence is three years.

    Why is it legal to discriminate against victims of sexual abuse by “publicly condoning, denying or growly trivializing” the crime of child sexual abuse?

    I hope the powers of the universe will look after you too xxx
    Thanks for the offer of phoning etc. I’ll keep talking here for now, since I have a tendency to “let it all hang out” in public anyway 🙂


  • you raise a few good points here! especially the EU law against Publicly condoning…. gives me an idea, which I will come back to, just have to get my facts straight xxx feel free to talk here anytime you like xxx


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