Reticence and Concealment – Revealed….by Doreen Gerrard

I am 56 yrs old.. I am one of many millions of women – and men – adult of the child sexually abused..

Firstly, Thank you Janette for inviting me to speak out through your own blog..

I was first abused aged about 6, until I was 14, by 5 different men over different periods of time. I make no excuses for the mistakes and the path this has brought me too. I do not have to, I know what all of the abuse did to me, and continues to do.

I was ‘fearful’ every day and night, but, was always told What a Good Girl I was…
Commonly known within the family as a ‘Problem Child’, during early years of abuse, My Father died aged 45, 3 days before my 9th birthday..

Problem child eh.. could not have been further from the truth, of which i spoke to many in family about the various ‘men’, but, was not believed, and told I was jealous..

I have much to say, hmm… many aware of that, so I’ve compiled a – long – poem, well its in cuplet form, and I have put all attacks of abuse together, it is all completely true.. It is a little graphic, within anyones mind, I do hope this does not offend or raise anything that may upset others..

Reticence and Concealment – Revealed…

This time in my head, I needed to tell,
Most of the moments, but, silence as well..
Hello everyone! Can you hear whats on?
Please will you hear, my childhood, its gone!

I did as was told, “What a good girl”,
Stand very still, and then give me a twirl!
Come on, over here, I’ll show you how,
Dont tell a soul, never ever, not now!

Seeking persona, right in my face,
taking my neck, very fast chase!
“Dont worry my dear, I’ll teach you real good”,
It was… sooo.. sickly, and he knew it would!

“Hello”! Will you listen! Dont leave me all alone,
I’ll love you some more, watching him groan..
Catch hold of this, move real slow,
You know what it is..and it isnt my toe!

He touched me again, it felt very thick,
All over again, very much like a trick!
Moving small hands, in the way that he said,
sitting on top, with him, in my bed!

There ‘it’ is, all white and wet,
keep going my sweet, not finished just yet..
Creeping towards me, the smell in my nose,
pungent and sick, the way that he chose!

Lifting me down, all red and sore,
we’ll do it again, we’ll do it some more!
Seeing his ‘smile’, why couldnt I trust,
it means an importance, always I must..

I pleaded, I begged, and, then, with a cry,
Stop it Doreen, you say such a lie!
Look at my clothes, Look at my dress
search underneath, seeing the moist mess..

It all went on, with so many men,
being quite a few, and me, under ten!
“Hold onto this”, touching me sly,
leave me alone.. but why, Oh, why?!

Can you believe, what I’m saying, can just feel,
sat at the table, not touching my meal..
My brain is revolving, quickly inside,
who can I speak with, openly confide..

“Dont you want happiness, just for your mother,
I am not so jealous, she can have another!
Then stop all the talking, not explaining it true,
you’re becoming so selfish, you’re making her blue!

Continued the probing and keeping it in,
little would i know, that I’d be so slim.
Staring at me like a slimy retch,
“Bring me the cream”! “Please go and fetch”!

All this invasion was hitting the brain,
what could I do, how to refrain?
With fingers now curling, wandering ‘there’,
“Come and sit with me, here, sit on the chair!

Soft and smooth, the cream was falling,
over my chest, he said, whilst doing the mauling,
One of hands, rubbing my tummy,
where are you now? Where is my mummy?!

You know what they’re doing, it isnt right,
making me feel, extremely tight..
soaking his thumb, petroleum jelly,
moving on down, away from my belly!

Using an object to lift up my skirt,
how did I know, he was about to ‘flirt’..
following the lines around my limbs,
not even revealing, my crying whims!

Go on now, a while later,
Where’s my daddy? Darling dear pater..
How dare you go, how dare you leave,
if you were here, I’d have reprieve!

I ‘look’ inside, where it is so numb,
all dribbling down around my bum..
He put his right over the cold,
Touch it now, please do as told..

Whilst laying so still within my room,
remembering the time, with a wooden spoon..
Up the stairs, I hear his noise,
quietly pacing, moving my toys..

The darkness looms behind my ears,
not more pain, with soreness that seers!
My teddies, my dolls, will keep me safe,
Oh here comes the vaseline, so I dont chaffe..

He opens my mouth so its ajar,
shoving in his tongue, in very far..
making me kiss his whisky mouth,
and… under the blanket, going south..

Moving so sprightly no-one could stop,
out came his ‘thing’ a real loud pop!
Shouting out loud, “Mum, please mum”!
so giving me a bruise with his old flaky thumb..

Now arriving, the early teens,
go into the store, he greets and means,
“Help me to remove these many packs”,
I need to put them, in equal stacks..

I know the signs, and, ways with words,
outside the garage, I can hear the birds..
I really wish i could fly away,
Not now allowed, I have to stay..

Tripping over the boxes, towards the wall,
he catches me quick, not wanting to fall..
Out in the back ‘we’re’ on our own,
“Ha..he says, in my trousers a bone..

He drops his trousers, and grubby pants,
here we again, am in a trance!
Undoing my bottoms, seeing ‘it’ move,
He wants to slip it, into my groove!

Yes, here we go all over again,
is this the same, with all of the men?
why must I let them, do all this,
leave me alone, just give it a miss!
Stop it now! Dont you quibble..
watering his mouth, beginning to dribble..

Writing this down, remembering to say,
deeply regretting death’s darkest day..
Understanding just how life has to be..
My darling daddy, you deserted me!

*I do not need to have others opinions……to validate my life*…

So… at the age of 17 myself and friend went to London for the day… we were separated, drugged then raped..twice..

No man would ever have the opportunity to abuse me… hmmm..

I have been married 3 times.. have one son, whom I had to tell this to.. not for excuses, not for sympathy, it was fact.. It really affected my son – now 31 – but, with discussion, and honesty-for which he did appreciate but not, at the same time.. he still doesnt like to discuss.. I do not impose it upon him, but show how bad some people can act, and this is the reason that i am so direct, honest to the point of irritation.

Last 2 exes.. one was injecting herion-I did not now- the other a narcisistic, alcoholic bully, well they both were.. I didnt learn.. many lies they told.. and knew they were lies..
Number 3, the narcisist, knew about my past as well, and bullies tend to home in on women they think are not strong.. However, just because i made wrong choice, does not give the right for anyone to abuse another.. I left..

I do have an Eating Disorder.. no wait a minute I dont appear to fit criteria.. as I do not induce vomitting nor do i binge.. just not keen on food.. and was hospitalised once, I just couldnt eat.. was 5ft 11” then, weighed 7st 2lbs.. not good.. and all I wanted was to be fatter.. so I not had any help-that’ll be the criteria- in fact, they did not have a clue what to do.

I will stop now.. if anyone wishes to discuss childhood abuse, I am around too, I maybe ‘lucky’ because I am able to discuss with anyone well, about most things..

Thank you again Janette.. You are doing such a wonderful ‘job’, I salute you..smiles..


3 comments on “Reticence and Concealment – Revealed….by Doreen Gerrard

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